Love in the Brain, the Jim Poole Interview

Healing a heart or saving a marriage is no small feat. Everything from psychology to biology might be considered, but what if I told you even technology deserved to be in the conversation? What if there’s a frequency that could help you love and even like the person you once chose to live your life with?

Today we speak with Jim Poole owner and lead scientist of the patented neuroscience technology NuCalm.

Jim, tell us about the stress of a marriage or even a relationship and how NuCalm helps.

Love is an amazing gift to give to ourselves and to give to others. Over the course of our lifetime, we may fall in love several times. Now the intensity and the inspiration and the longevity of that love may differ across relationships, but love, arguably, is one of the best aspects of being a human. Long term relationships and long term marriages have their challenges because love is extremely complex and people will change overtime.

But let’s keep this very simple. A long term relationship is sustainable when we communicate with each other, when we are vulnerable with each other, when we show gratitude and appreciation, and we keep our heart open to dedicate that space for our partner.

When we are stressed, things will change without us knowing. There is no memo sent to you saying, “Hey, we’re under stress, and we’re going to start looking at things differently.” But we’ve all been in relationships where things are going amazing, and the person you’re in love with can do no wrong, but then your mind, while under attack from stress, will treat your loved one like an enemy. You become someone who is critical, judgmental, and impatient.

A lot of that has to do with stress. So you could make the case that if you effectively manage stress, you can keep yourself in a happy long term relationship for you and your partner. One that provides value, sustenance, appreciation, gratitude and joy.

 How do we manage stress?

Well, there is a technology called NuCalm. It is backed by over 34 years of clinically proven, patented neuroscience, and it is designed for those who have stress, which is all of us, but don’t have the time or the discipline to apply ourselves to mindfulness. NuCalm brings down your stress level, and, when it is used daily, it allows you to have access to your vulnerability, appreciation, and gratitude.

If you stop for a moment and think, “Why do I love this person so much?” then you can start thinking of all the good virtues that this person you love has, and it makes you feel good. It elicits those endorphins and oxytocin, and feel like, “Wow, I’m a very lucky person to be in love.”

Now, when we are stressed, there’s a lot of negativity that comes along with the stress response. We become impatient, judgmental, critical, and even self-centered because we feel overwhelmed. That the expectations are mounting too high so we can’t get it all done. We need the help, love and support of our partner, but we end up communicating less.

So, stress and managing your stress is key to being your best self.

 Could NuCalm replace couples therapy in some cases or do you see it as more of a part of an overall way to help a relationship?

NuCalm is not a replacement for any therapy, but it is an augmentation or an addition to any therapy. This technology was originally designed to serve and solve the issues associated with trauma that typically lead to comorbidity of addiction. It’s a very, very high stress profile. Now, stress comes at us every single day, and each person’s stress or stressors may be unique to them, but the human stress response is identical. The stress response inside our body, how our body behaves, is identical to all human beings.

Essentially, what happens is when we are stressed, we lose our patience, presence, executive functioning, and reasoning, and we become agitated easily. Or easily sabotaged.

When we’re deep in love and are happy, then we accept things and people for who they are. Faults and all. Things can quickly turn, however, when stress is extremely high.

Stress increases impatience, which leads to fights. The best example of this is that when you want to end a conversation, you say something extremely hurtful rather than work things out. It can lead to us saying things that we later regret. This is all stress-modulated.

NuCalm can intervene and manage that stress in a very predictable and safe way. All you have to do is give yourself 20 to 30 minutes during the day, and locate a safe, comfortable place, put on headphones and an eye mask, and your brain just slips into this state of bliss where you heal and your body becomes relaxed, calm, and you recover. Then at night, with a speaker in your bedroom, you listen to Deep Sleep, which is on the NuCalm mobile app, and that combination allows you to effectively manage stress and be your best self because you have access to your patience, self-awareness, love, and gratitude.

There are certain chemicals in the brain early on in relationships that change over time. How does NuCalm help people that might have been together longer?

Probably the biggest key to a successful long-term relationship is communication. When we communicate with our better half, our spouse, our partner, we allow ourselves to articulate our expectations. We allow ourselves to showcase insights into what we think and how we think. And that person can be responsive to those thoughts as opposed to reactive to triggers or the stress response.

When we first fall in love, often we’re consumed with the other person’s presence. We’re in love and flying high on a seemingly endless amount of endorphins and oxytocin, which feels amazing. But there’s a statement that’s almost shameful, and that is “familiarity breeds contempt.” That is because when we fall in love, we often put the other person on a pedestal. We can’t believe how good we feel in their presence and can’t believe how amazing they are in every aspect of life, but it’s simply not true. So when we feel that endorphin high and look at everything through rose-colored glasses, you’re setting yourself up for a missed expectation. You’re setting yourself up for a reality hit, which is people aren’t perfect.

They can be close to being amazing with you. We just have to be patient and present. We need to have access to our joy, appreciation, gratitude, and love so we can see people for who they are.

 So NuCalm can help all kinds of relationships. Tell us more about that.

NuCalm helps humans be better humans and manage the human stress response that has a negative consequence to every aspect of our life. When we are under stress, we find ourselves emotionally, psychologically, and physically compromised.

In fact, our sleep and incompatibility with stress is greatly compromised. When we don’t sleep well, then we’re not at our best. We’re not restored or patient. NuCalm, and the ability for this technology to manage your stress without drugs, is paramount to simply putting you in the best space, mentally, emotionally, and physically that you can be.

Being less critical and being able to respond to stressful situations as opposed to being reactionary helps across every aspect of a relationship. Lord knows that we need patience with our children. It’s one of the most rewarding aspects of being a human, but it also often is a thankless job.

And when we’re stressed, we find ourselves being less patient. When we’re not stressed, we’re open. We’re open to joy and love and paying attention to our kids and appreciating the opportunity to be a parent. So, across all relationships associated with being a human, Newcomb can help simply by downregulating your stress, improving your sleep quality with no drugs, and giving you access to your personality, your character, your best attributes.

 It sounds like it even helps with your relationship with yourself. Can you share how it’s helped you or your relationships, especially your marriage?

For me personally, before I started using NuCalm in early 2009, I don’t reflect well on the person that I was becoming. I was highly ambitious and aggressive, but that also came with me being determined, judgmental, and highly critical of myself and others. I demanded a lot, and I paid attention to people. But my ambition and my determination to succeed and be goal oriented kind of overlooked the people closest to me.

With NuCalm, it gave me the opportunity to be a participant in my daily life instead of being a spectator that was often paralyzed with anxiety. It has changed who I am and has allowed me access to the areas of my character that I want access to, and this has absolutely helped strengthen my relationship with my wife.

We have three daughters, currently 22, 19, and 17. We’ve been together for 31 years and I have been running companies for almost 30, so she has seen me at my best and worst. The stresses of traveling a lot and doing all the things that we have to do, responsibilities as a father and as a spouse and as a business leader across the world comes with unique sets of challenges. This technology, NuCalm, has dramatically improved my life in more ways than I can even think of.

But the key has been being patient with myself and others, being present in my life, and what’s important to me. Being able to make decisions in a rational thinking pattern, as opposed to being reactionary, agitated, et cetera. It has been a huge piece of my ability to be loved and to love in a manner that I never thought possible.